Infertility I have noticed is often a very one sided focus. Mainly we look at the “barren” woman who can’t get pregnant, but all too often we forget about the men. So in honor of Infertility Week I am writing this blog to highlight my husband and all the other men who suffer silently with us.
“He ran his hands over my past -lingering over the dents and worn edges of my heart. & when I thought he’d run away like all the others.. he told me I was a warrior, and that I’d never fight another battle alone.”
You were so optimistic and excited when we started trying to get pregnant. You wanted a mini Josh, your own little boy. What man doesn’t. It’s natural for men to want their “own” children. You would talk to my belly and sing songs or just lay next to me and rub my stomach like there was already a baby growing inside. However when things didn’t go as planned and I couldn’t get pregnant within those first few months I saw that dream start to fade from your eyes, & in its place a little sadness. I worried that you would stop loving me because of my inability to produce children for you. Instead, you held me every month while I cried on the bathroom floor. You would say it wasn’t my fault and that we would just try again next month. You were always strong and encouraging. You had to be, for me. When all our friends started getting pregnant and having babies I would get so angry and bitter, but you would kiss me and say our turn will come.
After a year or two went by and still no babies you turned from trying to make me feel better everytime the test was negative to trying to shift the blame on yourself. Even after being tested & being fine you still tried to take part of the blame. You found ways to take my mind off the empty room we wanted to be the nursery and the despression. You were my rock. I don’t think you know how much I actually depended on you to be strong. I found myself saying, if Josh can be this strong about it, then so can I. You were the only other person on this earth who understood the pain I went thru each month and who wiped away the thousands of tears that could have filled up the bathtub.. As another year passed we both started to get antsy that this might not be in the books for us and I brought up the idea of adoption. You said as a last resort we would consider it, but that you wanted to keep trying for our own. You had so much faith and hope that I couldn’t bring myself to tell you that I didn’t think it was going to happen.
You stood by me for 5 years. You never made me feel inadequate or less worthy of your love because I couldn’t give you children. You saw me hurting, you felt my pain, but you felt so helpless because there was nothing you could do to fix this problem. As a man, I know how hard that must have been. You want to fix everything. If my car is making a funny noise you fix it, if my neck hurts you rub it, if I cut my finger you put a bandaid on it.. but this, you couldn’t fix.. I won’t lie and say that I had no fear when Lauren messaged me about adopting her baby. I was terrified that you would still be closed off to the idea of adoption. I was scared that you wouldn’t want somebody elses baby. I worried you would tell me no and we would be back at the beginning again. But when I called you that day, choking back my tears, and told you about the hand God had dealt us you didn’t take a moment to hesitate, you said YES LET’S DO IT. I don’t know if in that moment you saw your opportunity to finally fix the problem or if you just felt it in your heart, but I’ve never loved you more than I did in that moment. Josh you gave up something that is so important to most men. You gave up being able to have your own children. You stayed with me despite my shortcomings. You loved me regardless of my empty womb. You have loved our daughter from the moment we decided to embark on this journey. You have been so selfless and compassionate thru this entire process and I don’t think you get enough recognition. It takes a real man of God to love another persons child like their own. I count you among my most treasured blessings from God when I say my prayers at night. You are going to be an amazing father to Magnolia. We are so extremely lucky to have you. I am thankful that God looked at the world and decided it needed you, because without you all of this means nothing.
Photo Courtesy of Endless Memories Studios. http://www.endlessmemoriesstudios.com 678)476-5236